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Call it a personal mission statement; call it what you want. I wish I had a better name for it, but can’t seem to find the appropriate word to give to this list. This is a list of things I want and things I don’t want, period. Short, simple, concise.

I feel like my life has been turned on it’s side. It’s not just the break-up: it’s all the hopes and dreams that were dashed because of that break-up. All the things I was looking forward to in life, now not going to happen. I’m still wading through all the emotional detritus, all the leftover destruction. My emotions are labile: one minute I’m laughing, the next, balling. But such is life, eh?

Example: Currently watching “Shaun of the Dead.” I like Simon Pegg, he’s a pretty funny guy. Especially when I am wont to break down into weepy tears. Suddenly, I look up, and Simon Pegg is fighting with a one-armed zombie. Brilliant.

So. Lots of thoughts lately about where my life is going now, and what my new goals and plans and hopes and dreams will be. Main goal is to get my memoir published, so have been making steps towards that today by sending out queries. Pat on the back for me! It’s a start, yes?

So. To the list.

#1: Do NOT want to waste any more time. There are times I can look back on in life and honestly say I was just fucking about and doing absolutely nothing. No more of that.

#2: DO want to spend my time doing things I like and enjoy. Well who doesn’t, right?

#3: Do NOT want to spend my days in weepy tears. Honestly, I am way over this crying thing. It’s been three months already. Someone give me a good kick in the arse!

#4: DO want to stop being afraid. How many of us don’t do things because we are afraid of change? I get too comfortable in my habits. I have to challenge that.

Jeez, this sounds like a New Year’s resolutions list. Okay, I’ll add one more thing:

#5: DO want to be able to use my mobile phone again, even after it was shit on by a bird.

Yes, that’s right:  last weekend, on a walk around the neighborhood, I was shit on by a bird. It hit me all down my left arm, and got my keys and mobile phone too. Needless to say, disgusting! Several passersby on the sidewalk were treated to me screaming colorful expletives just after I realized I had bird shit all down my arm. Oh, it was lovely.

Someone told me that some days you are the pigeon, some days you are the statue.  Hmph.

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My life seems to consist of wave after wave of emotion lately.  Things have changed dramatically, and change is always hard to deal with, whether it’s welcome change or not.

Any time I am dealing with strong emotions or anxiety, I have found that fighting against it makes it worse.  The trick is to ride it out, allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling.  Instead of trying to rid yourself of the feeling, you have to embrace it:  you have to say ‘this is how I’m feeling right now, in this moment.’

Lately, the waves of emotion have overtaken me completely.  When I find myself fighting against the deep sadness that I am feeling, I remind myself:  this is how you’re feeling.  You won’t always feel this way.

A friend of mine gave me a yogic-based method in order to deal with these overpowering emotions.  Breathing and relaxing are big components; hard to accomplish when your emotional and physical state are in turmoil.  The third thing, though, is the most important:  Feel.  Instead of running from the emotions, move towards them.  Actively feel what is inside you.  Explore those feelings instead of stuffing them away and trying not to feel.  This is somewhat scary, I think.  Coping mechanisms often involve a great deal of denial and avoidance.

Trying this method with anxiety, I find that the urge to flee the emotion is incredibly strong:  I fight it almost by instinct. But as with anything else, it takes effort to accomplish the stillness and calmness that I need.  I have to ride the wave of emotion and anxiety, and know that it will pass.

Sorrow has overcome me, this week.  I won’t go into details, as I am tired of hashing and rehashing recent events.  I do feel a lot of grief, a strong sense of loss.  But that’s ok.  I did lose something (someone) very important to me, and it’s natural to feel this way.

That does not make the experience any more pleasant.

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